Friday, August 29, 2008

I Can Have Peace When Max is in His "Addict-Self"

Sometimes it is as if there is no end. It is miserable. I wish this were not a part of my life and that I did not marry him. But, that is not God's plan. I guess He knows more than I do. I have faith that through this trial, I will be a better person. It is that exact faith that I have to cling to. I am trying. It is most difficult. Through the power of prayer, I feel His faith in me. I know I can go on even in my deepest despair. I will not let Satan win. He wants me to get down and stay down. Satan wants me to give up. Satan wants me to run away from this situation and ultimately divorce Max and let our children suffer. Satan knows that not only will our family suffer, but our future posterity as well.

I will fight to the end. I will do my part to keep our family together. I will be the strong, noble woman Heavenly Father has designed me to be, no matter how painful and no matter how hard. I will not let him beat me to the ground. I am better than that. I deserve more.

I am not going to let anyone ruin my life or my destiny. I am not going to live with a pornography addict for longer than this trial period. I am worth more than that. I have a life to live. I have kids to raise, and I need and they need a priesthood holder who is worthy to give us blessings when we need them and to recieve revelations for our family. Right now, I feel like I am the one who gathers the family for family prayer and scripture study and Family Night. I feel like I am the one who is keeping our family together. If it weren't for me, our family would not be together.

Part of the peace I feel when I need it most is knowing that I should not be codependent forever. I feel peace when I set boundaries and limits that are within my control even though the outcome may not be what I want. I can distance myself from Max when I need space when he is in his "addictive-self." I feel peace knowing I can choose what I need to do to make me feel safe and comfortable even if it is alone in bed instead of warm in his loving, committing arms. I feel peace knowing I am still here, yet I am not being smothered into the ground. I am standing up for myself and for my worth, even if Max doesn't recognize it. I know I can only control myself. That gives me peace.

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