Sometimes it is as if there is no end. It is miserable. I wish this were not a part of my life and that I did not marry him. But, that is not God's plan. I guess He knows more than I do. I have faith that through this trial, I will be a better person. It is that exact faith that I have to cling to. I am trying. It is most difficult. Through the power of prayer, I feel His faith in me. I know I can go on even in my deepest despair. I will not let Satan win. He wants me to get down and stay down. Satan wants me to give up. Satan wants me to run away from this situation and ultimately divorce Max and let our children suffer. Satan knows that not only will our family suffer, but our future posterity as well.
I will fight to the end. I will do my part to keep our family together. I will be the strong, noble woman Heavenly Father has designed me to be, no matter how painful and no matter how hard. I will not let him beat me to the ground. I am better than that. I deserve more.
I am not going to let anyone ruin my life or my destiny. I am not going to live with a pornography addict for longer than this trial period. I am worth more than that. I have a life to live. I have kids to raise, and I need and they need a priesthood holder who is worthy to give us blessings when we need them and to recieve revelations for our family. Right now, I feel like I am the one who gathers the family for family prayer and scripture study and Family Night. I feel like I am the one who is keeping our family together. If it weren't for me, our family would not be together.
Part of the peace I feel when I need it most is knowing that I should not be codependent forever. I feel peace when I set boundaries and limits that are within my control even though the outcome may not be what I want. I can distance myself from Max when I need space when he is in his "addictive-self." I feel peace knowing I can choose what I need to do to make me feel safe and comfortable even if it is alone in bed instead of warm in his loving, committing arms. I feel peace knowing I am still here, yet I am not being smothered into the ground. I am standing up for myself and for my worth, even if Max doesn't recognize it. I know I can only control myself. That gives me peace.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Lifestar Groups and 12-Step
After 5 months or so of knowing of Max's addiction and where he's been and what he's done, it seems strange, but we are actually closer. There is a closeness in our relationship that was not present before. There is a peace that almost feels tangible at times. I'm sure part of it is from 100% honesty - finally. He feels such a huge burden lifted from his shoulders just from confessing his double-life. He doesn't lose the sleep, energy or money that the addiction took. So, he feels a peace from that. I feel a peace from knowing that I have made the decision to forgive because I know that is what God wants me to do and I know I couldn't be happier any other way. Divorce is not the answer. At least not in our case. Divorce is such a dark and dreary word. Divorce is literal destruction of the family and of the kids lives and their self-esteems. Not to mention the depression it would cause me and Max. Letting the option of divorce go, back in March, was one of the best decisions I ever made. I am so happy that I have been taught by my parents and church leaders the power of forgiveness and repentance. The peace that follows is irreplaceable.
So, Max and I both go to individual counseling. I go more often because he thinks he doesn't need as much help, even though he does. I am not pushing him to go because I want him to make the decision, and act on it, on his own. We are both in our Lifestar groups. He is in the Men's Group and I am in the Women's Group, of course. It is so beneficial and incredible. The workbooks and discussions and therapy are amazing. They are so insightful and helpful. I can not describe enough of how Lifestar has literally saved our marriage. If we did not decide to go to Lifestar, I don't know where we would be, but it would not be in a good place. Lifestar is so deep and really challenges our core beliefs and habits. I feel like I have learned more in Lifestar than in any psycology class I have ever taken in high school or college. And, I am not even talking about the addiction part of it for Max. He is actually accountable to his group. It is wonderful! If he looks at pornography or does something he said he would not, he has to talk about it with his group! Many times, it has prevented him from doing something more. 12-step groups are wonderful too. We both go to those, but 12-step with-out Lifestar is like going on a backpacking trip with out a backpack. I know that metaphor sounds silly, but Lifestar, for us, has taught us the tools we need to get over the addiction and to get through this trial period where Max is not completely sober and I have not set all of my boundaries in place yet. We are both working hard and progressing.
I hope that those of you who have husbands who are addicted to pornography will use all of the tools and resources you have to get over it. Do not only attend 12-step and not Lifestar. And furthermore, if you are already in Lifestar, 12-step is beneficial also and really roots you spiritually. We have learned to work on each area of our lives: Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Social and Sexual. If we only work on some, we will only improve some. If we work on all six areas, we will improve in all six areas and have the peace from knowing we are trying to do all we can do with out over-committing ourselves or setting too high of expectations. It is really enpowering to set limits, goals and expectations that make us stretch to become better, yet do not stretch us too thin. We do what we can do living on a prayer the whole time. In that frame of mind, is where the peace comes and it makes it all worth it.
Please post any comment you may have and I pray for all of you who are struggling with husbands who have let themselves fall into the trap of pornography. Do not give up. There is great hope and things can be better than you ever have imagined. There is just hard work required. But, with great sacrifice brings great rewards.
So, Max and I both go to individual counseling. I go more often because he thinks he doesn't need as much help, even though he does. I am not pushing him to go because I want him to make the decision, and act on it, on his own. We are both in our Lifestar groups. He is in the Men's Group and I am in the Women's Group, of course. It is so beneficial and incredible. The workbooks and discussions and therapy are amazing. They are so insightful and helpful. I can not describe enough of how Lifestar has literally saved our marriage. If we did not decide to go to Lifestar, I don't know where we would be, but it would not be in a good place. Lifestar is so deep and really challenges our core beliefs and habits. I feel like I have learned more in Lifestar than in any psycology class I have ever taken in high school or college. And, I am not even talking about the addiction part of it for Max. He is actually accountable to his group. It is wonderful! If he looks at pornography or does something he said he would not, he has to talk about it with his group! Many times, it has prevented him from doing something more. 12-step groups are wonderful too. We both go to those, but 12-step with-out Lifestar is like going on a backpacking trip with out a backpack. I know that metaphor sounds silly, but Lifestar, for us, has taught us the tools we need to get over the addiction and to get through this trial period where Max is not completely sober and I have not set all of my boundaries in place yet. We are both working hard and progressing.
I hope that those of you who have husbands who are addicted to pornography will use all of the tools and resources you have to get over it. Do not only attend 12-step and not Lifestar. And furthermore, if you are already in Lifestar, 12-step is beneficial also and really roots you spiritually. We have learned to work on each area of our lives: Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Social and Sexual. If we only work on some, we will only improve some. If we work on all six areas, we will improve in all six areas and have the peace from knowing we are trying to do all we can do with out over-committing ourselves or setting too high of expectations. It is really enpowering to set limits, goals and expectations that make us stretch to become better, yet do not stretch us too thin. We do what we can do living on a prayer the whole time. In that frame of mind, is where the peace comes and it makes it all worth it.
Please post any comment you may have and I pray for all of you who are struggling with husbands who have let themselves fall into the trap of pornography. Do not give up. There is great hope and things can be better than you ever have imagined. There is just hard work required. But, with great sacrifice brings great rewards.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Where was Max?
Dear Journal 2-22-08
Max got home last night, actually this morning at one in the morning. The kids have all had a pretty good day...
So, a few weeks later, Max told me that the night before I wrote this journal entry, the reason he got home so late was because he was at a strip club. WHAT!? A WHAT?!! WE WERE MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!??! HOW COULD YOU!?
I thought there was no way it could be MY husband who said he had gone to a strip club. Not my life. No, not me. It is too much to bear. We have a great life. We have a family. We are a family. We go to church every Sunday and partake of the sacrament. How could this have happened.
He explained to me that at first, he only looked at pornographic pictures, then after a few years, movies, then he finally started visiting strip clubs.
I NEVER KNEW THAT ADDICTIONS WERE PROGRESSIVE.
THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE.
HE BROKE HIS TEMPLE COVENANTS, NOT ONLY BY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, BUT BY EVEN LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY THE FIRST TIME.
This has been the hardest year of my life, but I have also learned more about life than ever. I have learned more about how to choose to come out on top. I never thought I would experience a trial like this one. It is most devastating.
More to come...
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY COMMENT YOU MAY HAVE.
Max got home last night, actually this morning at one in the morning. The kids have all had a pretty good day...
So, a few weeks later, Max told me that the night before I wrote this journal entry, the reason he got home so late was because he was at a strip club. WHAT!? A WHAT?!! WE WERE MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!??! HOW COULD YOU!?
I thought there was no way it could be MY husband who said he had gone to a strip club. Not my life. No, not me. It is too much to bear. We have a great life. We have a family. We are a family. We go to church every Sunday and partake of the sacrament. How could this have happened.
He explained to me that at first, he only looked at pornographic pictures, then after a few years, movies, then he finally started visiting strip clubs.
I NEVER KNEW THAT ADDICTIONS WERE PROGRESSIVE.
THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE.
HE BROKE HIS TEMPLE COVENANTS, NOT ONLY BY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, BUT BY EVEN LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY THE FIRST TIME.
This has been the hardest year of my life, but I have also learned more about life than ever. I have learned more about how to choose to come out on top. I never thought I would experience a trial like this one. It is most devastating.
More to come...
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY COMMENT YOU MAY HAVE.
Valentine's Day 2008 Journal Entry
Valentines Day was fun and special for the kids. In the morning, Max surprised me with a dozen red roses. It really was a sweet thing to do. I appreciate him. After the kids went to bed, I thought we could watch a romantic movie together. He went in the office and checked his email for a while then came out and turned on the local news station. He said he didn’t want to watch a love story. I said “Do you really want to watch this?”
He said, “Well, yeah, I wouldn’t have it on if I didn’t.”
I said, “Well, this is depressing.” After all, it was Valentine’s Day! It was supposed to be the most romantic day of the year!
He said, “Then, be depressed.”
I was appalled. I was disgusted and saddened. All I could do was walk into our bedroom and lie in bed and fall asleep. It was one of my worst Valentine’s Day Nights ever. It was like Max didn’t even care it was Valentine’s Day nor did he care about a woman’s feelings on that day – his wife’s. That is what I do not like and have never liked about flowers, or really any tangible gifts for that matter, is that they are expected to take the place of actual romance.
Today, when we talked about how we felt, I told him I have been feeling sorry for myself because he is not romantic. He said, “What? I surprised you with roses!” As if that was supposed to take care of the whole day!
I really am trying to just deal with him. I can tolerate him. He can be sweet, but it doesn’t seem to come naturally. And romance just isn’t in his book. It really is depressing and doesn’t do well for a marriage. After all, marriage and romance go hand in hand and keep a marriage alive and strong. I have always been cheesy, sappy and romantic, but I’ve let it slip away slowly over the past years we’ve been married. It’s as if I’ve given up hope and accepted him for who he is. It is sad, but what else am I to do? The only thing I do not understand is why Heavenly Father gave a girl who dreamed about romance her whole childhood and growing up life, someone who isn’t romantic. Why? There are many times I would crawl in bed and sleep for 3 days feeling depressed if it wasn’t for the kids. I can’t let them down. I have to be strong, happy and confident for them. -No matter what I live with.
He said, “Well, yeah, I wouldn’t have it on if I didn’t.”
I said, “Well, this is depressing.” After all, it was Valentine’s Day! It was supposed to be the most romantic day of the year!
He said, “Then, be depressed.”
I was appalled. I was disgusted and saddened. All I could do was walk into our bedroom and lie in bed and fall asleep. It was one of my worst Valentine’s Day Nights ever. It was like Max didn’t even care it was Valentine’s Day nor did he care about a woman’s feelings on that day – his wife’s. That is what I do not like and have never liked about flowers, or really any tangible gifts for that matter, is that they are expected to take the place of actual romance.
Today, when we talked about how we felt, I told him I have been feeling sorry for myself because he is not romantic. He said, “What? I surprised you with roses!” As if that was supposed to take care of the whole day!
I really am trying to just deal with him. I can tolerate him. He can be sweet, but it doesn’t seem to come naturally. And romance just isn’t in his book. It really is depressing and doesn’t do well for a marriage. After all, marriage and romance go hand in hand and keep a marriage alive and strong. I have always been cheesy, sappy and romantic, but I’ve let it slip away slowly over the past years we’ve been married. It’s as if I’ve given up hope and accepted him for who he is. It is sad, but what else am I to do? The only thing I do not understand is why Heavenly Father gave a girl who dreamed about romance her whole childhood and growing up life, someone who isn’t romantic. Why? There are many times I would crawl in bed and sleep for 3 days feeling depressed if it wasn’t for the kids. I can’t let them down. I have to be strong, happy and confident for them. -No matter what I live with.
This journal entry is how I felt many times over about my husband. At the time, I did not know he was addicted to pornography. Now, reading this, after I copied and pasted it to the blog, I can see an example how pornography addicts become more and more insensitive the deeper they get into the addiction. They do not feel deeply passionate or even emotional about anything, because their addiction is overtaking their life. I learned of my husbands addiction at the end of February 2008 and more and more details emerged about what he did over the next few months. We have both been in counseling for over five months now and I have learned so much about the sex addictions and what it does to distort the addicts brains.
I have so much planned to share with you in this blog: my experiences, my journal entries, information from my counseling sessions, my psychotherapy groups, and how I have come to find peace. So much more to come...
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MY BLOG, PLEASE POST A COMMENT AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR STORY OR FEEDBACK.
Married in the Temple for Time and All Eternity
I am a woman who belongs to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I married in the temple for time and all eternity. We have been married almost a decade and now have five children. I know Jesus Christ lives and is our Heavenly Father's son. I know he has a plan for each of us in our lives to become the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be. I am not perfect. No one is, except our Savior, Jesus Christ. I am thankful for each day I have to try to be better. I want nothing more than to do what God wants me to do. I feel that through some of my trials and sufferings, I may be able to bring hope and peace to others. I feel that by sharing my story about how I have endured life through my husband's pornography addiction and discovered how to obtain peace, you will be uplifted and find the confidence you need in your lives to be the best you can be.
My husband's pornography addiction has brought me quite the opposite of peace. I have experienced much opposition and betrayal. I still experience much suffering. But, I have found the pathway to peace and have felt our Heavenly Father's love among my suffering.
My greatest hope is to find other women whose husbands have struggled with pornography addictions. I hope that by sharing my story, if you are in the same or a similar situation as me, you will feel I am your friend. I only want to encourage you, support you, give you hope and help you find the strength you possess and find peace among your suffering.
My husband's pornography addiction has brought me quite the opposite of peace. I have experienced much opposition and betrayal. I still experience much suffering. But, I have found the pathway to peace and have felt our Heavenly Father's love among my suffering.
My greatest hope is to find other women whose husbands have struggled with pornography addictions. I hope that by sharing my story, if you are in the same or a similar situation as me, you will feel I am your friend. I only want to encourage you, support you, give you hope and help you find the strength you possess and find peace among your suffering.
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