Dear Journal 2-22-08
Max got home last night, actually this morning at one in the morning. The kids have all had a pretty good day...
So, a few weeks later, Max told me that the night before I wrote this journal entry, the reason he got home so late was because he was at a strip club. WHAT!? A WHAT?!! WE WERE MARRIED IN THE TEMPLE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!??! HOW COULD YOU!?
I thought there was no way it could be MY husband who said he had gone to a strip club. Not my life. No, not me. It is too much to bear. We have a great life. We have a family. We are a family. We go to church every Sunday and partake of the sacrament. How could this have happened.
He explained to me that at first, he only looked at pornographic pictures, then after a few years, movies, then he finally started visiting strip clubs.
I NEVER KNEW THAT ADDICTIONS WERE PROGRESSIVE.
THEY GET WORSE AND WORSE.
HE BROKE HIS TEMPLE COVENANTS, NOT ONLY BY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, BUT BY EVEN LOOKING AT PORNOGRAPHY THE FIRST TIME.
This has been the hardest year of my life, but I have also learned more about life than ever. I have learned more about how to choose to come out on top. I never thought I would experience a trial like this one. It is most devastating.
More to come...
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY COMMENT YOU MAY HAVE.
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2 comments:
Not a good thing that I can relate to your experiences in life, but it is nice to know I am not alone. I had been married for 2 yrs and thought life was perfect, we were going to finally get sealed in the temple and was pregnant with our 1st baby. Lo and behold (I never knew until later)my husband was viewing these things, but also having an affair. How can you do these things yet continue to take me to the temple and view me every night pregnant and her in the daytime. To this day I have a very hard time forgiving. He refuses counseling cuz he believes they are doing nothing but pointing fingers and he is no good. All I am told is I need to get over it that he can't change things. Yes I am the one that chose to stand by his side because I did not want to be classified as a failure and get a divorce. To this day I am thankful I never gave up on our marriage and stayed strong, but let me tell you it is not easy doing it all by myself. Thank you for your inspiration and I hope and pray that one day I will learn how to forgive and lift that burden from myself to move forward.
To Zeekthegeek,
Thank you for your comment. I can not tell you how much it means to me to have your support. I do not always feel strong at times, but women like you lift me up. As I was reading your comment, I was thinking how much I wish you could both go through the Lifstar Program along with attending 12-step groups. They are both so -oh what should I say -mandatory - for anyone who has had a husband with a pornography addiction - especially who has had an affair. For us, I can not see how I could be healing without both of those groups. They are the what keeps the addiction in remission, just like cancer goes into remission. By taking these pro-active steps and becoming educated on addictions - ie, sexual addictions, you are able to learn, cope, forgive and heal. These addictions never go away. They just go into remission. It is not a comforting thing to hear "Once a sex addict, always a sex addict." but it is true. But the comforting thing is that it can be in remission for the rest of his life. He and you just need to learn how to keep it in remission.
I hope so deeply that you can at least order the Lifestar Workbooks online and talk with a therapist who specializes in Lifestar or sexual addictions. They are so beneficial - that is an understatement. They not only are saving my marriage, but my life as well.
Thank you and keep in touch.
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